Not liking July...

I haven't written in here in quite a while, but I'm going to work to rectify that in the coming days and weeks. I don't know why I'm writing today, I just felt like talking to someone. So, in advance, thanks for listening.

These are hard days for me.. for those of you who subscribe to my YouTube channel, you might know that my mama passed away in January of 2011. She actually passed away on my 5th wedding anniversary which is also the day before my youngest girl's 3rd birthday.

My mama was born July 14th 1953, she was just 57 when she passed. I was born July 22nd, a mere 8 days after my mom's, so July is always a really hard month for me. January, May, December and July are bad months for me. My husband and I try really hard to make our anniversary about us instead of my mom, so we try to leave town and do something fun, even if it's just for the day... but it's difficult.

This past Sunday my mama would have been 60. By the way, she's a twin and so I'm sure my Aunt Cathye had a time of trying to celebrate instead of falling apart. I was at a craft fair that day and I thought that would be good to get my mind off of it, but it was a very slow day so my mind was always on it. Bad day. My birthday is on Monday, but we're going to celebrate on Sunday. My dad is taking me and my husband out for dinner, a Japanese teppanyaki style steakhouse called Ichibans. For those of you in the states, Benihana is somewhat similar to Ichibans.

Sinking under waves of grief and depression affects my daily life in a multitude of ways. As much as I love soaping, sometimes I just can't find the motivation to do anything. Some days it's hard just to get out of bed, and this is 3 years later. Does this ever go away? I don't want to forget about my mom, I love her and miss her so much. I just want to be able to function like a normal person.

On July 16th, Talia Castellano passed away. She's a 13 year old girl I've been following on YouTube who wanted to be a makeup maven, have her own makeup line, clothing line etc. She had two forms of cancer and finally succumbed. Already overemotional, this hit me really hard. I've been asking my mama to go find her and tell her how much she meant to me, even though we never met. I honestly don't know if I would have followed her story if cancer wasn't in the forefront of my mind every single day.

Interesting fact... my family has been full of cancer. My mom is the 3rd to die from lung cancer in my lifetime. Her dad and her step father both passed away when I was younger from lung cancer. All of them smokers, all had quit, all had been diagnosed after quitting smoking. Ridiculous isn't it. I smoked too for almost 20 years, and I'm just 33. I quit smoking in October of 2012 finally. I quit the first time after my mom's diagnosis in November of 2010 and did ok until her birthday in 2011. I still use a smoking crutch though, because I don't think I ever could have quit without one. I have an e-cig and so I still have my nicotine addiction. I've been smoking since I was 14 and a full-blown smoker (as in at least a pack a day) since I was 18. I'm not making excuses, just telling it how it is. I don't want to smoke, I find that I can't stand the smell anymore. I was on Chantix and that's the main function of the drug is for you to find it repulsive, and I do. My husband smokes those cigarillos, and he stinks! I don't pressure him though, I couldn't stand that and became immediately defensive. I just tell him he stinks and leave it at that lol.

Anyway, I decided recently that I have to claw myself out of this enormous hole I'm digging. I love making soap, lotion, bath truffles, creams. I don't love making bath bombs, but I don't hate it either. I'm in the middle with sugar scrubs, but the ones I make are just awesome so I can't stop making them. I want to build my business which means I need exposure and stock. I have a decent array of cold processed soaps, but I just signed up for this farmer's market and so I need more soap to fill up my tables with! I'm going to be making some glycerin soaps over the weekend and I've already started in on a few cold processed soaps for August. I need to make about 8 more 3lb loaves, and a few 5lb loaves. I totally forgot about the Bramble Berry swap in August so I'm off today to buy some more distilled water since I'm totally out. I'll be making that one tonight. I'd love to land myself a good wholesale account or two just to keep me busy and also get some steady revenue in so I can continue to make soap. If I can't sell this soap, I can't keep making it in the large batches that I do.

Ok enough of my dribble. Thanks again for listening. See you all later!